Recovery Part 2: The Reset That Changed Everything

Reset #1 (age 18): Escaped abusive alcoholic with a calculated plan.

Reset #2 (age 21): Suicide attempt "I can't let my daughter think I didn't love her"

Then I moved back in with my childhood friend.

The "bad boy next door."

And for seven years, I built a life based on lies.

That trouble my second serious boyfriend had as a teenager?

It involved addiction to heroin.

Now hear me out - because I wouldn't blame you for walking away at this point.

When we got together in 2004, I'd been led to believe it was a very short period and he'd been clean for two years.

He had a file full of tests to prove it.

During the court case for my daughter, we separated so I could focus on fighting for her.

But after the courts ruled against me and I lost custody, I went back to live with him and his mum.

I'd lost everything I cared about.

I didn't want to be alone.

They were there during my burnout, and I was so lost in that fog I didn't really notice or care that he was using again.

When I pulled myself out of it, I realized: I was in a relationship with an addict. Again.

This was different, though.

He wasn't abusive - at least not in the same way as the first one.

He made attempts to stop.

Did go get medical help.

Repeatedly.

Relapsing over and over again.

I wasn't stupid.

I just didn't know what else to do.

I didn't feel strong enough to leave and be alone.

So I built businesses.

Hid the truth from the world.

Did what I could to give my daughter my attention (and a pony) when I was allowed to see her.

She didn't have contact with him.

I always went alone.

So it wasn't impacting anyone but me.

Until I fell pregnant again.

I had a contraceptive implant at the time.

This shouldn't have happened.

I believe it did because it was meant to.

Because without that pregnancy, I would possibly never have gotten out.

It was obvious that social services would get involved - because of what happened with my daughter.

So I contacted them first, before anybody else could. (And many did, including my family. I can't blame them for that.)

We separated.

For me, it was because I didn't want to raise a baby with an addict.

For him, it was because he knew we'd lose when his years of relapse came to light - and he thought he could get clean, prove himself, turn his life around.

Yeah, you guessed it.

That never happened.

But what did happen changed a UK law.

I won the right to keep my son.

The case actually did change UK family law for all cases that came after.

But the process took its toll on me.

I didn't let it overpower me, though.

Literally sheer force of will kept me going.

I had to fight not only the system to keep my baby, but also my family.

One of my cousins was trying to adopt him.

I don't hold any resentment about it - given the information on file, they all thought they were doing the right thing.

And it meant she was in court the day the judge threw the book at the Local Authority and stated:

"This should never have happened. Her daughter should never have been taken away to begin with. Now you need to put things right."

And sent me home with my boy.

And I reset (2013–2019)

I became the crunchy granola mum.

My boy had the early childhood dream.

Everything was child-led and attachment-style.

Organic food.

Wooden toys.

Growing up in the countryside with horses and chickens and even ducks that lived in the back garden and would come sit on the sofa to watch TV with him.

Even when he was diagnosed autistic, it didn't stop us.

I home-educated.

Started a Forest School with a local rewilding teacher so he could attend.

Built a sensory room with a swing seat in our house.

Built a personal playground in our garden.

For six years, we lived happily.

I was doing inner work to heal from my past trauma.

My daughter eventually came home.

I chose to be celibate, focused on my kids and businesses.

The 10 years of inner work (2012–2022)

This is the part that made the difference later.

This is why January 2024 & the events leading upto 2025-26 were different from the burnouts & resets that came before.

I deep-dived into psychology in an attempt to understand myself.

Both my kids getting an autism diagnosis was a lightbulb moment that came with the acceptance of my own neurodivergence.

I used trauma recovery practices.

Tried talking therapy - not very successful, but it did give me a chance to process things myself after sessions.

I returned to the spirituality I'd practiced as a teenager: something akin to a blend of Wiccan, paganism, and the belief in the universe connection. I learned about the journey to becoming a Shaman.

Shadow work - both from a spiritual perspective and a psychology standpoint.

Inner child healing.

I did it all.

Not because I knew it would save me from future burnout.

But because I was trying to understand who I was underneath all the trauma and survival patterns.

My son requested to start attending "real school."

He loved Balamory and was convinced school was amazing.

I knew it wouldn't be.

But I wanted to let him make his own choice where possible.

So I started the long process of working with the LA disability team to get him a SEND placement.

During that process, he started to display what's termed as "challenging behaviour."

He was frustrated.

Didn't understand how the world worked.

Struggling with his own body and brain.

I once found him sitting in our recycling bin, crying.

He told me he needed throwing out because his brain was broken.

It was heart-breaking to see him struggle.

I tried everything I could think of to ease his anxiety and frustration.

But his behaviour continued to escalate.

At the same time, my daughter was suffering a breakdown.

After starting college, she spiralled - unable to cope with the demands of life.

She wouldn't get her autism diagnosis for another few years, when she turned 20.

So I was also trying to support her and work with CAMHS to find her outside support.

2020: The world shut down

My son had been at his school placement — a SEND unit in a mainstream school — less than six months, and it was already failing.

I was fighting to get him into a fully SEND high-needs school when everything stopped.

The option to keep sending him to school was offered, but I knew he wouldn't cope with the setup they were proposing.

And I wanted him out of there anyway.

So it was agreed that he'd stay home during lockdown and they'd keep looking for an alternative placement.

Lockdown was rough.

Two kids at home, each struggling with their own issues.

But my business took off, so at least we had good money coming in.

I helped my daughter move into a house at the end of the road so she could have some independence and space from the chaos at home.

My son's behaviour improved slightly with the demands of school removed.

Eventually, in September 2020, he was given a SEND school placement.

He struggled with the journey as it wasn't close to us - which is how I ended up being employed by the LA on a self-employed basis as his transport escort.

But he seemed to be enjoying his placement and making friends.

2020–2022: Life was pretty good again For another two years, life was stable.

My daughter was stable, although not thriving.

My son was returning to himself and enjoying life again.

I started to build something new.

I wanted to move away from physical products after realising the toll it was taking growing a business I couldn't keep up with, and I start helping others build their business.

I wanted to help women going through difficult situations build something of their own that would give them independence.

I built The Basics Bitch.

Then I fell into the 10k cult (2021–2022) I threw myself into building The Basics Bitch business.

And fell into the world of cheerleader coaches who use hustle culture and manipulation tactics.

The expectations from others (and myself) to look, act, and scale in a certain way, at speed.

The pressure to be visible and expose your life to scrutiny in exchange for a chance to make money.

I've touched on this in previous blog posts.

It was hustle culture wrapped in empowerment language.

And I bought into it.

Simultaneously, my son started to regress (2022) His challenging behaviour returned.

And became increasingly violent.

There was an incident which triggered the LA into suddenly turning against me.

My son repeated something he'd seen on YouTube - from a puppet show I should have dug deeper into but didn't

(Jeffy's World or something like that).

He made a false accusation against a staff member at school.

I was struggling.

I was literally begging for help to deal with his behaviour and get support.

But it hadn't been forthcoming.

Even after this incident, all we were offered were more regular home visits and a few hours of support at weekends where support staff would take my son out for an activity to give me a break.

That one morning in Summer 2022.

I woke one morning to find my son standing beside my bed.

A kitchen knife in his hand.

Staring at me.

Things continued to escalate from there.

I was exhausted trying to keep him and myself safe - both physically and emotionally.

I was battling services yet again to try and get the support we needed.

I felt like I was drowning.

Eventually, I couldn't carry on (2023).

After an incident where I ended up with a concussion,

I emailed the LA and demanded they accommodate my son under Section 20 of the Children's Act.

He needed a level of support I couldn't give.

I felt like I'd failed as a mother.

And my mind started to slip, but I didn't notice.

It took a few months, even the Section 20 request wasn't enough for immediate action due to the level of complexity of my son's needs.

But they did eventually find him a residential school placement.

The day he moved in I went with him.

Helped him settle in.

Then jumped on a train to Plymouth after ugly crying for an hour after leaving the school.

I couldn't face the idea of going home alone without him.

So I'd arranged to meet a friend I'd only talked to online.

I had a hotel booked and planned on staying eight days. Three weeks later, I finally went home.

Within three months, I had packed two suitcases, taken my dogs to my daughter's, and moved to Plymouth.

Walking away from everything.

I thought that was my reset. But it wasn't. That wouldn't happen until after the burnout hit at New Year 2024.

I'd spent 10 years doing inner work.

Shadow work.

Trauma recovery.

Inner child healing.

Psychology.

Spirituality.

All of it.

And I thought that meant I was healed.

I thought that meant I wouldn't burn out again.

But healing the trauma didn't change the pattern.

I still carried too much.

I still ignored warning signs.

I still proved my worth by enduring.

I still reset circumstances without addressing what kept breaking me.

Moving to Plymouth wasn't a reset. It was running.

The pattern was still there:

Age 18: Carried everything (abusive relationship, baby, factory job) → body broke → escaped

Age 21: Lost daughter, drank to cope, suicide attempt → "can't let my daughter think I didn't love her"

2012–2021: Ten years of healing and stability

2022–2023: Carried everything (two kids struggling, 10k cult pressure, son's violence, services failing us) → body and mind breaking → son given placement, moved to Plymouth

Same pattern. Different circumstances.

I was still surviving by carrying everything until I couldn't anymore.

Then resetting the external situation.

But never changing the internal one.

What comes next In Part 3, I'll tell you about January 2024, the burnout that finally broke the pattern.

The factory job.

The wheelchair.

The hill.

And the moment I finally saw it: I don't survive by pushing through. I survive by resetting.

But more importantly: I kept resetting the same pattern over and over.

And that's why the inner work from those 10 years mattered.

Because when 2025 hit, I had the tools to finally see the pattern for what it was.

And do something different.

1) Look at the times you thought you were "healed"

When did you do inner work, therapy, healing practices?

Did the pattern change, or just the circumstances?

2) Spot the difference between healing trauma and changing patterns

Healing trauma = processing what happened

Changing patterns = changing how you respond to what's happening now

You can heal trauma and still repeat the pattern.

3) Ask yourself: What did I carry into my last "fresh start"?

When you reset, what beliefs came with you?

What behaviours?

What standards?

What ways of proving your worth?

4) Notice where you're running vs resetting

Running = changing location/situation to escape the feeling

Resetting = changing the pattern itself Moving to Plymouth was running.

January 2024 was the actual reset.

5) Give yourself grace for the repeats You're not broken because the pattern repeated even after doing the work.

The work you did matters.

It's the foundation that makes real change possible.

But healing and pattern change are two different things.

Next post in the series

Recovery Part 3: Why September 2025 Was Different

You can heal trauma and still repeat the pattern. Healing is the foundation. Pattern change is the work.